MIXED emotions

2022-2023

Mixed media (acrylic paint, spray paint, serape fabric, deconstructed durags, wire, beads, twine, and hand castings)

I have caught myself living different lives in the same body. This code switching has become my routine. Five Points, my neighborhood, is where I thought I looked and felt normal. Growing up there in the 2010s, my neighborhood was predominantly Black and Mexican, and I fell right in the middle: Afro-Latina. I have all the physical traits that indicate my Blackness, such as my thick curly hair and full lips. I have values that my Mexican American family that I was raised with taught me, such as loving and respecting one another. 

A feeling of being “othered” compounded as I aged, and it became increasingly challenging to understand myself. Over time, I recognized I was never seen as Mexican enough by the standards of community members, friends, and distant family members because of my physical characteristics and inherent love for Black culture such as music, movies, and fashion. However, I also wasn't Black enough for those who were part of the Black community, which was evident by my love for spicy foods, Latin music, and Spanish language knowledge. With both of these realizations, I began "shape-shifting” around others who were part of these cultures to feel more welcomed and relatable. But that didn’t quite work either. What are you? So you're both? What is your mom? What is your dad? Do you speak Spanish? So you're Blaxican?

MIXED emotions is a series of work that navigates my feelings toward finding balance in my mixed identity. The focus of this work is three self portraits, painted with acrylic and spray paint on canvas that are in dialogue with physical objects of cultural significance to me such as a serape, deconstructed durags, and references to hair and religion. They combine to explain my feelings as I toggle the internal confusion of feeling both ends. The stifling loss of personal identity and voice has caused me to lose track of who I am. I have been letting others define what I should and should not be. This series allows me to reclaim my voice regarding the intersection of my race and culture.